Love, Life and Finding Myself

 ...exhausted.  Mentally, physically, emotionally - I am exhausted.  Dealing with 4 children is a challenge. I knew that when I had them, and don't get me wrong, I love them all.  But there are some days where I just want to hide away. Days where my thoughts are so dark, and I struggle to keep pretending I'm OK.  Today has been one of those days. A day where it's been so warm, and I do not do well in the heat. A day where I've had to deal with only 1 child, but even that has felt too much. A day of cooking, folding washing, more cooking, bath times, and I still have more to do on top.  And it's all so overwhelming. And there is a lot of guilt. Guilt that I've not done enough with my 5 year old. Guilt that I never do enough with any of them. Guilt that I just want a month to myself.  There are days where I wonder if I will even be able to continue. Days where I am so tired, it's a struggle to even think.  At the moment, I'm not ok. But for them I h...

 That's what I am going to call it.  I can remember the very first time I ever went to a gym. I had not long had my eldest child, and unfortunately was diagnosed with postnatal depression.  I went to the doctor and said I didn't want to be put on medication. So they suggested I lose weight. Join a gym. Start a hobby.  Starting a hobby was easy. I started sewing and making clothing. Thus my little business was born. And still going today, though under a different name than how it started. 10 years now.  Going to the gym was a lot harder. I've never been one to have friends as an adult. Being an INFJ, and all of my past history, it doesn't really leave a lot of room for trust. I've been hurt and let down by so many people over the years, to protect myself I stopped letting people in. I didn't have any friends. Just my (now ex) husband. Walking through those doors was tough, but I did it - for 3 sessions. Then I stopped going. It was too much and I didn't know ...