Gymxiety

 That's what I am going to call it. 

I can remember the very first time I ever went to a gym. I had not long had my eldest child, and unfortunately was diagnosed with postnatal depression. 

I went to the doctor and said I didn't want to be put on medication. So they suggested I lose weight. Join a gym. Start a hobby. 

Starting a hobby was easy. I started sewing and making clothing. Thus my little business was born. And still going today, though under a different name than how it started. 10 years now. 

Going to the gym was a lot harder. I've never been one to have friends as an adult. Being an INFJ, and all of my past history, it doesn't really leave a lot of room for trust. I've been hurt and let down by so many people over the years, to protect myself I stopped letting people in. I didn't have any friends. Just my (now ex) husband.

Walking through those doors was tough, but I did it - for 3 sessions. Then I stopped going. It was too much and I didn't know what I was doing. 

Fast forward to 2017, after my 3rd child was born and I joined PureGym. This time I decided I would hire a PT, so that I could gain some knowledge. This lasted 2 months. The PT didn't listen to me when I said I have a back issue, that I had a vomit phobia, or that I just simply couldn't do any more. Not going to make excuses, but I stopped training with her. We weren't a good fit. It was that bad I actually didn't step foot in to a gym again until August 2021.

In August 2021, I signed up to a different PureGym, and met a wonderful trainer there. She guided me, taught me a lot, and pushed me to do better every week. Perfect fit. But there was still one issue - my anxiety.

Not long after we started our sessions, I decided to brave the gym on a Monday night. BIG mistake. 

I'd had a stressed pregnant sister phone call, and a friend call in distress too, before I even entered the gym. And then there were the people. So many people. I panicked and hid in the locker room for around 20 minutes. Messaged my PT, and just stayed in there. My PT was teaching classes at the time so couldn't help. 

I briefly left the locker room to try to do something, but the panic was so bad I just ran back in there. I put my headphones in and listened to guided meditation to help me calm down. 

And then the most bizarre thing happened. Whilst my eyes were closed, someone stroked my leg. At first I thought it was my trainer, but nope, turns out it was the assistant manager. The shame and embarrassment. Omg, kill me now! 

I did eventually leave the locker room, only to receive some bad news that just depressed me even further. 

Other times, I'd have a bad day, get to the gym, and then just have a panic attack. My coping method was to scratch my arm. Not a good idea, but it helped somewhat. During sessions, I'd be restless and unable to sit still during rest periods. 

Anxiety is so difficult to overcome and deal with. I am a lot better at the gym than I used to be - I now regularly use the free weights area and the deadlift platform. 

And then a couple of months ago, I noticed a young girl in the locker room. She was a bit pale and shaking, but clearly hadn't done a workout yet. 

*going to add here that I suffer social anxiety too, so talking to this girl was a huge step for me too*

I asked her if she was OK, and she said she was very anxious and struggling to leave the locker room. Wow did that sound familiar. I sat with her and told her my story, and my journey to where I am now. I told her I'd be out there if she needed anything and just to come over at any point. And then I left the locker room. I was on a time schedule or I'd have stayed longer. 

But you know what? She came right out with me and jumped on a treadmill whilst I warmed up on a cross trainer. I'd see her around doing things the rest of my time there and offered, what I hope, an encouraging smile. I still see here sometimes now.

I don't really know the point to this post, but I just thought maybe I'd share my story, and maybe it'll help someone else in a similar position. It is daunting, but with the right environment, you can overcome anything.