I am...

 ...exhausted. 

Mentally, physically, emotionally - I am exhausted. 

Dealing with 4 children is a challenge. I knew that when I had them, and don't get me wrong, I love them all. 

But there are some days where I just want to hide away. Days where my thoughts are so dark, and I struggle to keep pretending I'm OK. 

Today has been one of those days. A day where it's been so warm, and I do not do well in the heat. A day where I've had to deal with only 1 child, but even that has felt too much. A day of cooking, folding washing, more cooking, bath times, and I still have more to do on top. 

And it's all so overwhelming.

And there is a lot of guilt. Guilt that I've not done enough with my 5 year old. Guilt that I never do enough with any of them. Guilt that I just want a month to myself. 

There are days where I wonder if I will even be able to continue. Days where I am so tired, it's a struggle to even think. 

At the moment, I'm not ok. But for them I have to be. For them, I need to do better. I need to be better. 

Days like today, I wonder why am I even alive? 

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