Love Happens...

  ...when you least expect it. 

Let's go to the beginning. 

My whole life I have struggled with various issues, stemming from abuse to loss, and even depression. 

I had a very rough childhood. I won't go in to details here as it isn't needed. But feeling loved was a rare thing. My parents divorced when I was 5, and it was an ugly situation. My father then died when I was 12. And my mum uttered words that would change the way I was for many many years:

"You have to be strong. You have to be there for them (my siblings) now because they are going to struggle."

Very damaging words to say to me. At 12, I didn't fully understand what she was saying. And so I took it to mean I couldn't cry, couldn't show how hurt I was, couldn't show any emotion at all. 

And over the years, I stopped being me. I would hide behind my books, or spend my time down the stables riding horses and helping in the yard. I'd go to bed at 6pm, just to escape my family and be alone. Because I am an INFJ, and need a lot of time alone. I struggle being around people. 

I skipped my teenage years pretty much, and grew up overnight. I wasn't interested in boys, or girls, just my books. And then at 17 I met G. 

At first he was an OK guy. I thought I loved him. I didn't really know what love was though, having never experienced it. And then it turned out he was abusive, and quite a horrible alcoholic. I won't go in to details, it's not important, but he did a lot of damage to me. 

And then I met B. He was my 2nd boyfriend, and I could so easily say he was my first love. I really did like B a lot, and moved in with him for a while. But sadly his brother took his own life, and things fell apart after that. Nobody was to blame, just a lot of things happened. 

Finally I ended up with SD. We met online, and our first date was ice skating. At the end of the night, he kissed me, and we were together from that day on. After 2 years, we got engaged in Spain. That's a story in itself, but one for another time perhaps. We welcomed our first child, E, in 2011. In 2013, we fell pregnant with A, and got married. O came along in 2017, and finally C in 2019. But as awful as it is to admit, I never fully loved SD. I couldn't. I'd been hurt too many times. Really hurt. Physically, emotionally and mentally. In December 2021, I finally admitted that I didn't love him, and we separated. Again, another story for another time.

In August 2021, I decided to join the gym. But there was a problem, I had no idea what I was doing. So I reached out to one of the PT's there. And it honestly was the best thing I could have ever done, and it was the start of something magical. 

I had been feeling extremely depressed, to the point I wanted to end my own life. My PT, S, was always there and willing to listen. From the very first time I met her, I felt this undeniable connection. Her energy was so magnetic, and I'd find myself messaging all the time. 

And by all the time, I mean ALL THE TIME!

I would worry I was sending too many messages, sharing too much of my life, bugging her non stop. But she was always there, willing to listen and respond. 

And over time, I started to notice I had feelings that I'd never felt before. I was seriously attracted to her. 

This was no shock to me. I'm not someone who can be labelled as straight, gay or anything else. I don't see a body of a person, I see their energy. A body is just a shell. The pure energy of a person is what is attractive. And S's energy was just so blinding, its hardly surprising I developed feelings.

But me being me, I shoved every inappropriate thought in to a box, and sealed it tight. After all, how could she ever feel the same way? 

As the months went by, we became good friends, sharing stories, supporting each other and just enjoying talking. We started to play computer games together, and the friendship deepend further. 

And then I separated from my husband. Which meant I had to give up my PT sessions. I was devastated. I'd get so excited spending that hour with S, and now it was being taken away. I'd never spend time with her again etc. 

Except that isn't what happened. The very first thing we did after my sessions ended, was go for a Costa. That was a Friday. All weekend I agonised over how I was feeling, was I reading things wrong, should I admit my feelings?

Early hours the following Tuesday, I did finally say how I felt, and to my utter shock and surprise, it wasn't just me feeling it. 

There is a lot more to that story, and maybe one day I'll share it. But all I can say is that love struck when I least expected it, from a source I wasn't expecting, and it is the first time I have ever truly felt in love with someone. 

And it was there from the very first day we met.

3 months down the line and I can't stand being apart, even for 4 hours whilst at work. Even for a shower. I love her so much, and I am truly so grateful for everything she has ever done for me.