Love, Life and Finding Myself

 I feel alone.  I've spent so many years hiding how I feel. Not talking to anyone about issues, just getting on with it.  Because that's what I do - just get on with it. No point in complaining, doesn't change anything, except I've voiced a complaint. And then I get moaned at for saying I feel crap. Or I don't want to do something. Or I am struggling. And at the moment I am really struggling. I'm struggling with not having a job. A lot. And I've tried to say how much it is affecting me and that I need a job. And it usually just gets turned in to a joke.  Which really isn't helpful, and makes me just wish I hadn't bothered saying anything. Because I'm trying to have a serious conversation about my mental health, and it's just a joke.  So I just won't say anything anymore. I shall just continue to do it alone. I'm not bothering anyone else with my problems that way. 

 Today, well let's be honest actually, more than just today. Few days.  For a few days now, I've just felt so down. So disheartened. So useless.  I have worked since I was 16. I went to college, but I also worked. Had to drop out of college, but continued to work.  Then at 25, I had my eldest. And I quit my job to care for her, childcare was so expensive and we just couldn't afford it. Not with my rubbish wages.  And then 2 more children followed. I started a cake business after baby #2. Was successful. Moved up North, and quit that too.  Had baby #3 and started a sewing business. Had baby #4 in 2019, and my sewing business reached new heights. Was very successful. Had my own unit, and staff. And then it all fell apart. And I've been jobless since. I love baking. I am a creative person, I love making fudge and marshmallows. Proper fudge, the old fashioned way.  And I just feel so useless. A waste of space. No direction, no hope. Beginning to feel I am ...