Down Day

 Today, well let's be honest actually, more than just today. Few days. 

For a few days now, I've just felt so down. So disheartened. So useless. 

I have worked since I was 16. I went to college, but I also worked. Had to drop out of college, but continued to work. 

Then at 25, I had my eldest. And I quit my job to care for her, childcare was so expensive and we just couldn't afford it. Not with my rubbish wages. 

And then 2 more children followed. I started a cake business after baby #2. Was successful. Moved up North, and quit that too. 

Had baby #3 and started a sewing business. Had baby #4 in 2019, and my sewing business reached new heights. Was very successful. Had my own unit, and staff. And then it all fell apart.

And I've been jobless since. I love baking. I am a creative person, I love making fudge and marshmallows. Proper fudge, the old fashioned way. 

And I just feel so useless. A waste of space. No direction, no hope. Beginning to feel I am here to serve others, as I just exist in my own life. I don't do anything. 

I don't live. I just exist. 

Every day is the same. I miss working. I was studying to be a counsellor, and loved doing that. But then couldn't afford to progress to the next stage. 

I can't contribute to bills, I can't give the children holidays, or days out. I can't do anything. 

And it's getting to me so much. Why do I even exist? Noone needs me, not even the kids do. 

Maybe I should just quietly slip away, at least I wouldn't feel like this anymore.. 

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