I screwed up

 And snapped for all the wrong reasons. 

Had to take my eldest to school early as she is going on a residential trip. Great times. 

Except I had 4.5 hours sleep, broken. My back has been painful the last few days, but today its even worse and I can feel it grinding. And it was cold out. Why is it always cold out when you need it to be warm?

Start to leave, eldest forgot to pack a towel. Sent her back. She then decided I could drag her suitcase. Whilst hurrying. Back very painful, now even worse. 

Got back, tired, cold, hurting and ended up snapping unfairly at S. 

And I feel terrible for it. I didn't mean for what I said to come out the way it did. I really am a terrible person. And I have no idea why she stays. I don't deserve her at all.

She's going to leave one day, and I wouldn't blame her.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sometimes

 I feel alone.  I've spent so many years hiding how I feel. Not talking to anyone about issues, just getting on with it.  Because that's what I do - just get on with it. No point in complaining, doesn't change anything, except I've voiced a complaint. And then I get moaned at for saying I feel crap. Or I don't want to do something. Or I am struggling. And at the moment I am really struggling. I'm struggling with not having a job. A lot. And I've tried to say how much it is affecting me and that I need a job. And it usually just gets turned in to a joke.  Which really isn't helpful, and makes me just wish I hadn't bothered saying anything. Because I'm trying to have a serious conversation about my mental health, and it's just a joke.  So I just won't say anything anymore. I shall just continue to do it alone. I'm not bothering anyone else with my problems that way. 
Read more

Down Day

 Today, well let's be honest actually, more than just today. Few days.  For a few days now, I've just felt so down. So disheartened. So useless.  I have worked since I was 16. I went to college, but I also worked. Had to drop out of college, but continued to work.  Then at 25, I had my eldest. And I quit my job to care for her, childcare was so expensive and we just couldn't afford it. Not with my rubbish wages.  And then 2 more children followed. I started a cake business after baby #2. Was successful. Moved up North, and quit that too.  Had baby #3 and started a sewing business. Had baby #4 in 2019, and my sewing business reached new heights. Was very successful. Had my own unit, and staff. And then it all fell apart. And I've been jobless since. I love baking. I am a creative person, I love making fudge and marshmallows. Proper fudge, the old fashioned way.  And I just feel so useless. A waste of space. No direction, no hope. Beginning to feel I am here to serve othe
Read more