Love, Life and Finding Myself

 ...exhausted.  Mentally, physically, emotionally - I am exhausted.  Dealing with 4 children is a challenge. I knew that when I had them, and don't get me wrong, I love them all.  But there are some days where I just want to hide away. Days where my thoughts are so dark, and I struggle to keep pretending I'm OK.  Today has been one of those days. A day where it's been so warm, and I do not do well in the heat. A day where I've had to deal with only 1 child, but even that has felt too much. A day of cooking, folding washing, more cooking, bath times, and I still have more to do on top.  And it's all so overwhelming. And there is a lot of guilt. Guilt that I've not done enough with my 5 year old. Guilt that I never do enough with any of them. Guilt that I just want a month to myself.  There are days where I wonder if I will even be able to continue. Days where I am so tired, it's a struggle to even think.  At the moment, I'm not ok. But for them I h...

 That's what I am going to call it.  I can remember the very first time I ever went to a gym. I had not long had my eldest child, and unfortunately was diagnosed with postnatal depression.  I went to the doctor and said I didn't want to be put on medication. So they suggested I lose weight. Join a gym. Start a hobby.  Starting a hobby was easy. I started sewing and making clothing. Thus my little business was born. And still going today, though under a different name than how it started. 10 years now.  Going to the gym was a lot harder. I've never been one to have friends as an adult. Being an INFJ, and all of my past history, it doesn't really leave a lot of room for trust. I've been hurt and let down by so many people over the years, to protect myself I stopped letting people in. I didn't have any friends. Just my (now ex) husband. Walking through those doors was tough, but I did it - for 3 sessions. Then I stopped going. It was too much and I didn't know ...

  ...when you least expect it.  Let's go to the beginning.  My whole life I have struggled with various issues, stemming from abuse to loss, and even depression.  I had a very rough childhood. I won't go in to details here as it isn't needed. But feeling loved was a rare thing. My parents divorced when I was 5, and it was an ugly situation. My father then died when I was 12. And my mum uttered words that would change the way I was for many many years: "You have to be strong. You have to be there for them (my siblings) now because they are going to struggle." Very damaging words to say to me. At 12, I didn't fully understand what she was saying. And so I took it to mean I couldn't cry, couldn't show how hurt I was, couldn't show any emotion at all.  And over the years, I stopped being me. I would hide behind my books, or spend my time down the stables riding horses and helping in the yard. I'd go to bed at 6pm, just to escape my family and be al...