Love, Life and Finding Myself

 I feel alone.  I've spent so many years hiding how I feel. Not talking to anyone about issues, just getting on with it.  Because that's what I do - just get on with it. No point in complaining, doesn't change anything, except I've voiced a complaint. And then I get moaned at for saying I feel crap. Or I don't want to do something. Or I am struggling. And at the moment I am really struggling. I'm struggling with not having a job. A lot. And I've tried to say how much it is affecting me and that I need a job. And it usually just gets turned in to a joke.  Which really isn't helpful, and makes me just wish I hadn't bothered saying anything. Because I'm trying to have a serious conversation about my mental health, and it's just a joke.  So I just won't say anything anymore. I shall just continue to do it alone. I'm not bothering anyone else with my problems that way. 

 Today, well let's be honest actually, more than just today. Few days.  For a few days now, I've just felt so down. So disheartened. So useless.  I have worked since I was 16. I went to college, but I also worked. Had to drop out of college, but continued to work.  Then at 25, I had my eldest. And I quit my job to care for her, childcare was so expensive and we just couldn't afford it. Not with my rubbish wages.  And then 2 more children followed. I started a cake business after baby #2. Was successful. Moved up North, and quit that too.  Had baby #3 and started a sewing business. Had baby #4 in 2019, and my sewing business reached new heights. Was very successful. Had my own unit, and staff. And then it all fell apart. And I've been jobless since. I love baking. I am a creative person, I love making fudge and marshmallows. Proper fudge, the old fashioned way.  And I just feel so useless. A waste of space. No direction, no hope. Beginning to feel I am here to serve othe

 I feel sad.  It's the 31st March. I was supposed to be launching my new business. I was really excited, and keen to push forward with it.  But unfortunately it was not meant to be. Issues with finances, getting supplies and insurance in place is the issue. I feel just as enthusiastic about starting it, lots of ideas etc. But I'm stuck and can't go forward.  And I just feel sad. I've lost a bit of the drive to make things and posts.  Maybe it will come back. 

 It was once used as a form of torture. It probably still is in some places.  The brain cannot function without proper sleep. Your body will start developing chronic health issues, like heart problems, kidney disease and high blood pressure.  You will potentially gain weight and suffer with depression.  I have been struggling with lack of sleep, and for me, my body doesn't respond well to tiredness. I get snappy, stressed and over emotional. I emotionally react to the most stupid things.  Like tonight. Haven't seen S all day, and usually we would cook dinner together. But instead, she is sleeping. After saying she wouldn't. And I feel quite upset by that. Irrationally so. She is very tired too and we don't both need to cook.  But this week, I just feel so alone. And stressed. Usually it doesn't bother me. I'm used to doing all the dinners, all the bath times and bed times. I'm used to making all the breakfasts and getting them ready for school. But I can'

 ...exhausted.  Mentally, physically, emotionally - I am exhausted.  Dealing with 4 children is a challenge. I knew that when I had them, and don't get me wrong, I love them all.  But there are some days where I just want to hide away. Days where my thoughts are so dark, and I struggle to keep pretending I'm OK.  Today has been one of those days. A day where it's been so warm, and I do not do well in the heat. A day where I've had to deal with only 1 child, but even that has felt too much. A day of cooking, folding washing, more cooking, bath times, and I still have more to do on top.  And it's all so overwhelming. And there is a lot of guilt. Guilt that I've not done enough with my 5 year old. Guilt that I never do enough with any of them. Guilt that I just want a month to myself.  There are days where I wonder if I will even be able to continue. Days where I am so tired, it's a struggle to even think.  At the moment, I'm not ok. But for them I have to

 That's what I am going to call it.  I can remember the very first time I ever went to a gym. I had not long had my eldest child, and unfortunately was diagnosed with postnatal depression.  I went to the doctor and said I didn't want to be put on medication. So they suggested I lose weight. Join a gym. Start a hobby.  Starting a hobby was easy. I started sewing and making clothing. Thus my little business was born. And still going today, though under a different name than how it started. 10 years now.  Going to the gym was a lot harder. I've never been one to have friends as an adult. Being an INFJ, and all of my past history, it doesn't really leave a lot of room for trust. I've been hurt and let down by so many people over the years, to protect myself I stopped letting people in. I didn't have any friends. Just my (now ex) husband. Walking through those doors was tough, but I did it - for 3 sessions. Then I stopped going. It was too much and I didn't know